Don’t most, if not all victims of Narcissistic Abuse feel like Humpty Dumpty? In the beginning of any relationship with a narcissistically disordered person, the target is idealized by the Narcissist. So much so, that it seems as if the Narc is actually infatuated with the target. Infatuation is a great description because it means “to make somebody behave irrationally as a result of a great, often temporary, passion” (Encarta Dictionary). Similarly, “idealization” is what narcissists are known to do. Idealization is to, “represent somebody or something as being perfect, ignoring any imperfections that exist or may exist in reality”. When the narcissist perceives through idealization, that the target is perfect, the narc becomes infatuated. Terms to focus on within idealization and infatuation are, “temporary” and “reality”. Narcissists do not live in reality and all of their relationships are temporary.
As time goes on, the target becomes more attached to the narcissist and the target assumes that the narcissist is becoming more attached to it. One would assume that each is the priority of the other as the relational bond grows and deepens. Eventually, as the narc spends more time with the target, the narc starts to get bored. The target is eventually covertly removed from the pedestal. Removal from the pedestal also happens because the target’s humanity starts to emerge (it was always there but idealization by narc blinded the narc to it). The narc claims that the “target has changed” and starts to lash out at the target in order to protect the narc-self. It must feel to the narc like the target is abusing or betraying the narcissist because the target no longer fits snugly into the narcissist’s mold; it is like the target becomes almost defiant in the narcissist’s eyes when all the target did was be him or herself and did absolutely nothing wrong.
Now that the target has been shoved off of the pedestal, it attempts to climb back up. The target, having not changed at all, gives more of itself because it is all it can do in order to feel loved again. The target loves the narcissist. Since the target hasn’t done anything wrong, but just follow the course of its normal relational patterns, it digs deeper to give more of itself in order to please the narcissist. But nothing seems to please the narc anymore. Every time the target starts to crawl up the pedestal (adore the narc) to get back on top, the narcissist steps on its fingers, or moves the relational goal posts, and the target loses its grip and falls back down. The narcissist looks down on the target, disappointed, as if to say “keep trying”; and that the target does.
The target is unsuccessful in its many attempts to return the relationship to the infatuation/idealization stage (the target is not aware of any stages but is sure he/or she can get the narc to treat it better) and is convinced that there must have been something it did to cause the narcissist to shun it like she did. The target seeks advice and support from long-time mutual friends within the narc and target’s social circle. The target also tries to talk to family members, but any support is denied. Nobody seems eager or willing to listen to the target and when they do listen, they are not “seeking to understand”, so the target, already exhausted, is forced to defend itself. Nobody can believe that the narcissist keeps stepping on the target’s fingers. Some even laugh in disbelief at the target’s tall tale. Everyone sees the Narcissist as being friendly and caring toward others. The target wonders why everyone is so blind. Doesn’t anyone see the target climbing out of the hole, physically and emotionally exhausted, trying to get back in the relationship (on the pedestal)? It seems that everyone is actually blaming the target for falling off the pedestal (treating the narc poorly, jealous).
The target finally gets out and looks for the narcissist and the pedestal, but both have disappeared. The narcissist is now infatuated with someone else and the new target is now on the pedestal. Everyone is happy for the narcissist and has left and/or rejected the former friend/target. Since the target/victim has no one to turn to for help, it has no other alternative but to seek out a professional, someone who is not familiar with the narcissist; someone unknown, someone the target has never met; to now observe and listen to the target turned victim. The victim spends months, maybe years in therapy. The victim must say good-bye to its previous life. The target turned victim now a survivor, realizes that it will never be the same (scars and a broken heart) and is now forced to live the rest of its life from a whole other perspective.
Just like Humpty Dumpty, friends and therapists cannot put the target, turned victim, back together again. The therapist shows the victim where the pieces are and it is now up to the victim to put itself back together again. The victim becomes a newer, stronger, and emotionally smarter version of its prior self before being removed from the narcissist’s pedestal. The victim turned survivor, having experienced the abuse from a narcissist, becomes a healer and educator to others. It is in the validation of outsiders (strangers), that the survivor can heal finally itself.